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Saturday, December 22, 2007

Out of the Box


I have a confession to make.

Despite gleefully participating in all shidduch ranting sessions, I have only once in my life filled out a profile.
Or tried to, at least.

It was one of those forms where you have to check off the boxes that describe you.
Great, I thought, multiple choice is so easy.

I got stuck right after the "Name" field.

The first question wasn't. It was simply a list of labels. Affix to forehead as needed.
I thought for a while.
I was neither chaseedish nor misnagdish.
Neither yesheevish nor heimish.
Not BT, MO, or OCD.
I was relieved to see "Other" as an option. I guess these shadchanim are not as narrow-minded as I'd assumed. I put a check in the adjacent box and wrote "Shomer Torah uMitzvos" in the space provided.

Next, they wanted to know what I was looking for.
The choices were dazzling: Learner, Earner, Learner-earner, Earner-learner, Bunsen-burner.
I checked "Other" and penciled in "Yerei Shamayim."

Next: Levush.
Levush?
It didn't even give choices. Help.
I pondered the question and finally answered "refined."

Then they wanted to narrow things down by location. It was comforting to see that there is, in fact, life outside of New York (it's in south Jersey, apparently.)

The following part was a little game: I was to read a list of character traits and put a mark by No, Somewhat, or Very as they apply to me.
Outgoing: Well, I'm not the life of a party, but I certainly do go out. I checked "Somewhat."
Friendly: I have friends, but I don't talk to strangers much.
"Somewhat."
Smart: I'm no dummy, but not Einstein either. "Somewhat."
Materialistic: Hum. They're really hoping to weed out the Japs with this one, aren't they? Let's see, I'm not spoiled but I do live a physical existence. "Somewhat."
By the time I reached the bottom of the list, I had conclusively determined that I must be a somewhat unexceptional personality.

Place photo here: Optional.
Thank G-d. I don't think I had teeth yet in my last decent photo.
This might have something to do with my being the only photographer in the family.

Having at long last completed the entire form to my satisfaction, I proudly returned it to the friend who had given it to me. She took the liberty of proofreading it before passing it along to the interested party.

She got stuck right after the "Name" field.
"BasMelech!" She gasped. "You can't check off other! They'll think you're some kind of kook!"
"Listen, you want the truth or what?"
She sighed and continued reading.
"BasMelech."
Uh oh. I know that tone.
"What are you looking for?"
"My keys. Always."
"Stop it! Do you want someone who's learning or working?"
"I already wrote down what kind of person I'm seeking. Read."
"I did." Deep frown.
"So? What he does from 9 to 5 is irrelevant. Go on." She did, but not without a fight.
"BasMelech... Levush means, like, 'black hat' or 'long jacket.'"
Oh, now I get it. I kept my original answer.

In the end, she decided not to submit my profile. Thought it would ruin my chances or something.
As for me, I've stopped doing them. Wouldn't want to get into any more trouble, now...

I guess I just don't fit into a box.
("BasMelech! You can't say that -- people will think you're overweight!")
And I wouldn't want my chatan to, either.

17 comments:

Scraps said...

LOLOLOLOL. I feel the same way about these things, that's why I don't bother. :-D

corner point said...

You're adorable. I lauged my whole way through. Where's the soapbox, though? :-P
And you're definitely overweight. Big time

Bas~Melech said...

CP -- I go on the soapbox, not in it, remember?
(and hush, don't tell everyone!)

BEHIND A SMILE said...

What a refreshing post to read - really gave me a good chuckle I've never filled in one of those profiles but by the sound of it I don't think I want to either. As long as we all keep laughing.

The Dreamer said...

lol.

David_on_the_Lake said...

lol
and
oy
all at once..
Its sad how everyone has to fit into certain "moulds"...
but its refreshing how you break that with ur humour...
Hopefully..someone with your outlook on life..and humour..will somehow find you..

The Dreamer said...

david - you suddenly turned british?
LOL

Bas~Melech said...

(dreamer -- you took the words out of my mouth.)

Everyone else -- thanks for the comments. Wish I could be funny like this on command, whenever I want... :-P

badforshidduchim said...

rofl. Brilliant. Speaking of, my best photo is a drop more recent than yours, but not by much. I was about waist high at the time.

halfshared said...

Haha! You crack me up.

AidelKnaidel said...

LOL! You had me laughing. And I do not get those things either.

~ Sarah ~ said...

hahah.... so true.
have filled in one like that and there simply weren't enough categories. i don't think anyone really fits into the box.

flatbush gal said...

Goodness I didn't realize people were serious when they said they have to fill out FORMS. It's so dehumanizing. You're a PERSON not a checklist.

Bas~Melech said...

Wow, now I get it... If you want to be popular, write about shidduchim. Sheesh. I used to think this stuff was so boring and would never make it to my blog...

FB Gal -- Now, now, don't let this scare you. You don't HAVE to fill out forms. Just some people give them out because... well, because... when I figure it out, I'll post again, k?

Anonymous said...

Anyone who hands you a form should get one of your own in return.

Bas~Melech said...

Nah, I'm not into that. I wouldn't stoop to their tactics anyway :-P

u no hu ;-) said...

bas melech hun, all the boxes are in the basement, the old laundry room, the bottom of my closet, and under my desk...

i really enjoyed this one though!! (and see, i'm reading your blog!!)

ps-belated happy birthday....