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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

EXTRA: Shidduch Crisis Explained!

Folks, you've been waiting a long time for this, but keep on reading because tonight the real reason behind the shidduch crisis will be explained to you. And I have a revelation for you: It's not because the boys are too picky. It's not because the girls are too picky. It's not the mothers, either, and it has nothing to do with the age gap.

You may be surprised to know that the Crisis was sown thousands of years ago, although it has first come to light in our generation as it grows to critical proportions. It began in last week's parsha and you have your own matriarch to blame. See, Leah was supposed to have a boy (says Rashi). A Boy! Is he handsome? Is he Available? No, no... she prayed some and had a girl instead. A Girl! Now, we've all heard that each of Yaakov's sons was born with a twin girl, creating a very well-balanced shidduch scenario for the Jewish nation. So the birth of this girl, who may also have come with a twin girl, threw off the entire equilibrium. We all know that the book of Bereishis is based on "Maaseh avos siman levanim" and sure enough, this deed of praying for an extra girl has echoed and amplified through the ages.

To take it further, just look in this week's parsha at what happened to Dina. The OTD Crisis has now been explained as well.

All kidding aside, now, I really have discovered another factor to blame for our shidduch difficulties:
There are boys. There are girls. There are people who are just right for each other.
... and no one is introducing them.

Seriously, the whole shadchan scenario is a myth perpetuated by Yiddish theater. I have been eligible for a while and actively seeking for over a year and I can't even get a shadchan to sneeze in my direction. I and various family members have called about 20 different shadchanim, every number we could get, and not one was interested in even hearing my name. Most were out of business, some were "specialists," some were wrong numbers, others were just rude.

A small survey of married friends reveals that almost none met their husbands through a shadchan. The majority were introduced by relatives or close friends.

The question remains as to what should happen when one's relatives and friends, for whatever reason, are unable to procure prospective suitors. Without shadchanim, what are those from small families, small towns, different backgrounds, and friends who get married and drop off the planet supposed to do?


Something Different said...

I agree 100%. I don't think anything of these so called "shadchanim"

little sheep said...

hey bas, you forgot the part about that 40 year old guy who married a 3 year old girl...what were their names again?

you got a smile from me...

Bas~Melech said...

SD -- I'm not saying that shadchanim, if they do indeed exist, are not good. I am simply saying that I have yet to see one or hear from someone who has seen one firsthand.

LS -- That is for the ones who blame the age difference. I am offering an alternative point of view. Furthermore, those people rectified their situation by contributing two boys and no girls (However, this did raise some other OTD and intermarriage issues...)

Michelle said...

I agree.
I do know a buncha couples who resulted from these shadchanim (besides the ones they include when they say, "I've made ## shidduchim...") But for the most part I try to avoid them.

You know why they didn't "sneeze in your direction"? You got the wrong anatomy, girl. You're female. As unique as you are, and we all are, you are one in a million. One OF a million.

Friends and relatives are definitely a better way to go if it's an option. The only stipulation with that is sometimes they have no brains and blab to everyone that you've gone out with the guy they set you up 3 times and are wondering what's that's something to watch out for.

And, if I may say, you left out something else. MEETING ON OUR OWN!! I think mixed seating at weddings would be a good start; a little more interaction between the sexes, but obviously nothing that violates halacha.

BB said...

Many people say that our society has moved too far to the right and therefore there aren't any opportunities for men and women to meet each other.

There are a few "solutions." One is what Michelle said: mixed seating at weddings. Another is mixed meals on Shabbos. Although I got married young and was one of the first of my friends to get married, I didn't go through a shadchan. Actually, most of my friends didn't go through a shadchan. My hubby was someone who I had met in NCSY. What my friends ended up doing was keeping track of the guys they dated. The girls would meet every so often and discuss the guys they went out with. Then they would try to make shidduchim. This actually worked a few times. There was one guy who went out with 90% of my friends and finally ended up marrying one. This system of sharing info about the guys they went out with worked for most of them but unfortunately there are still more girls who are single. Also, because my husband is a lot older than I am, his friends were mostly married when we got married. This meant that I couldn't set up his friends with mine. I knew lots of girls but no guys. I know, that's the typical problem. May you find your bashert b'shaa tova.

nmf #7 said...

Bas~Melech- As far as I know, these professional shadchanim are very hard to get ahold of, unless you have some shaichus to them personally. I myself nudged and nudged certain ones, but got nothing out of it (introduced to my husband by my HS principal).
Although, I will say, there are certain professional shadchanim who do respond. If you'd like their names- email me.

daughtersintheparsha said...

I just had a successful shidduch meeting in my house- we made 22 shidduchim. All still going steady.

Tupperware containers and their covers.

I feel very accomplished.

Patricia Batton said...

The reason the shadchan was not interested in you is because her list of girls is too long and her list of boys is too short.

Which part of that did you miss? Did you think she didn't want to make matches or something? You just thought she wasn't in the mood?

That's what they mean by crisis, my dear. It's scary to think about it but it really seems that somehow we've created a situation of excess girls.

Bas~Melech said...

Those of you who are saying it's because I'm female -- that may be the case for some, but it's not It. Because many of them hung up on my mother before she said anything about me. Most said they had left the business completely. ProfK has posted some valid, but sad, reasons why that may be happening.

While I do think more mixing would be a good solution for some, it's not the kind of thing I would go for. For all its shortcomings, I do feel safer with the more formal method. Although I would probably pursue something that happened to come up casually, I wouldn't try for that.

NMF7 -- Send 'em on...

Daughters -- Wow, good for you! Keep on trying!

bais yaakov girl said...

I think that the above article hit the problems in shidduchim right on the nail.I am your "typical" Bais Yaakov girl, who comes from a very good family.I have gone to shadchanim and most of them are useless.I have it a bit harder in shidduchim then most people because most of my family dosen't live in America.A couple of family friends have tried to set me up but sometimes they don't get very far because the boy's side always complains that there isn't someone who knows me very well who knows their family very well- other then the shadchan -therefore they are not intrested.It is not because thay are making up excuses.Three boys mothers asked the people who red the shidduch to them to find them refrences who knows me very well who knows their family very well.It is very hard when your family has very few "big macher" contacts.The shidduch buissess is nuts.My parents have been so moser nefesh for Torah and they have helped so many people with shidduchim, we always have so many guests from so many diffrent walks of life.However Lots of my friends- myself included- have been getting no's for silly resons am no good enough-rich enough or yichusdick enough.Eventhough my parents are willing to support , and my father is a very big Talmid Chacham, and my parents are very respected people in the community.I blame the mothers.You say it is not the crazy mothers.I know hundreds of single girls, and 95% of them are not picky they just want a a mentch, and a good solid boy.However the boys mother's are not willing to give anyone a fair chance, unless they they have big yichus, or and money- so that everyone can say that her precious son-whom they all think is Moshe Rabbeinu II- got the chap of the season.To all the mothers out there a little message for you : You are not marrying the girl your son is.If a name of a solid good girl comes up don't turn her down because you think that there is someone out there with more money/yichus.Everyone should try and make shidduchim.It is a lame excuse to say I am not the type.You know what I have made a few shidduchim and I am single and didn't even know the boys at all.To all those people who are still in the Parsha like myself- a little advice someone once said : Don't let the Yetzer Hora get to you.He is very powerfull especially when people are going through Nisyonos.He can really bring a person down especially when they are feeling low- trust me!May all those who are searching for their zivug be zocheh to find their zivug right away.Just take a look at the Neis of Chanukh just a little bit of oil was able to keep a whole Menorah lit.In this month that is mesugal for Nissiam-Miracles may we all merit our own personal mircles Amen!

Anonymous said...

Patricia, I don't know about that. I actually met with a shadchan a couple of years ago. She asked me a few questions, then asked if I was willing to go out with a BT. When I said yes, she closed her books she'd been taking notes in, said, "In that case,why don't you try Saw You at Sinai?" (when her husband actually is a Rosh Yeshiva at a place that caters to BT's so it's not like she didn't know of any!)and with that, ended the interview. I was too shocked at the way she ended the interview to ask why (well, now I'm a bit older and more willing to be outspoken and I probably would say something).
A girl I know (who is now married) once met with a shadchan who basically insulted her to her face so that she actually got up and walked out. She said it was that, or burst into tears.
What I want to know is, where do these people get off treating others in such a disrespectful way?

Princess Lea said...

The thing is, by saying that one is unmarried because of the "big, bad, outside crisis" (yuch, I hate using that word) is not an idea familiar to our faith.
As Jews, individuals should say, "To hell (I'm using the term loosely) with this system; I'm gonna put my belief in God. I know He's gonna send me my guy." I've heard various shiurim, one on Purim, and one about Miriam HaNiviah, with the end point: one does not know from where their salvation will come. So while one curses out shadchanim for being rude, or stares at the phone begging it to ring (been there, done that) --- one is in essence saying that God can't work around these obstacles. God wants everyone to be married, right? So if one is open, He'll figure it out, "crisis" (shiver) or "no crisis."

Anonymous said...

It just bothers me when you go to a shadchan, who is in touch with probably hundreds of boys, and she doesnt set you up with even one.

Another thing that bothers me is 19 year olds complaining there are no available boys! your one year out of high school, you don't have the right to complain yet.

Anonymous said...

if you don't mind the question,
what kind of boy are you looking for?
there are different shadchanim with "ins" to different populations of boys, and it's possible I could have some names for you.

The Babysitter said...

That is o so very true, I agree 100%. I've been available for almost a year now, and till this month, I got absolutely nothing. I went out on my first shidduch date recently, that a previous college classmate suggested, got the starbucks experience, was my first time there, and I don't like coffee. Then got my second shidduch experience at a hotel lounge through a gateways shadchan. At first the whole time before this I had just wanted people to suggest people for me, I had wanted to experience a shidduch date. But now that I experienced 2, I'm starting to rethink it, and I'm glad that I haven't gone out many times. It was fun and all, but unless their the right person, there's no real point. So I'd rather just have the right one come along and go out with him, and if it means waiting with no one to date for a while then I think I'd rather do that.

smoo said...

I posted on this. I hope you find it interesting. See: