For several nights
I wondered why
you chose to cry
on me.

I had nothing
to do with you.
I felt so unable
to fill your many needs
that instead
I stayed away.

So why
would you be interested
in selfish
snobby
little
me?

Yet you looked so
forlorn
lonely
and miserable...

So I sat down
at your side
with nothing to say.

Finally
Perhaps because
I wanted so hard
Finally
after all these years
I saw

There is something
I can give you.

Do you need a hug?

A barely visible nod
and suddenly
you were in my arms.

(Had I kept you waiting
too long?)

What next?
I don't even know you
After all these years...
But finally
perhaps because
I felt for you
I knew

The only thing to say.

"It's OK to cry."

I don't know
what you cried for
that day:
Fear of the future?
Longing for the past?
Something else, maybe.

So my tears
were for only one thing:
No longer a stranger
I cried
for the pain
of a friend.

and I'm still crying for you.
May the day soon come
when there will be no more cause for tears
and those of us who shared pain
can truly be part of the shared joy.

Giving

Looking from afar
I saw
that which
you haven't
you can't
and I do.

Now I know:
While I talk,
You pray;
While I think,
You feel;
While I do,
You are.

They call me
the caregiver
and you
the invalid.

But as I look
after you --
You teach
my clouded eyes
to see.

And as I lend
my hands to you --
You fill
my hollow heart
with love.

Looking from afar
they ask
why
and how
I "do it."
It's a fair trade -
and I got the better deal!

For A and E -- I am so lucky to know you. Thanks for all your love.

Random Photos

I've been dabbling a bit in photography, and I'm pretty proud of some results. Unfortunately, most of the best ones involve people whose faces I'm not about to post online. Here are the rest.

Please respect my privacy -- if you think you recognize any of the pictures and may know who I am, kindly keep it between you and me.

School's out!

Those most loyal and faithful readers who have been regularly peeking in to look for my next post have surely noticed my brief absence.

Since I am familiar with the angst of one who feels the compulsion to check frequently for new posts by favorite bloggers, I have decided to spare you all the guesswork and divulge some of my summer schedule.

I am not guaranteeing posts at the following times, but if I manage to get in some posting over the summer, this is when it will be up and you don't need to bother checking in any other time:
> A day or two before 9 Av
> Around August 12
> Just before Rosh Hashana

By Sukkos time, I will probably be back on a normal schedule, whatever that is...

Have a wonderful summer! I'll miss you!

The Final Exam

Technically speaking, I had all the time in the world to study.
Practically, it boiled down to about two days.

It was an extremely important test. So great, in fact, that for a while I couldn't even bear to think about it. So I didn't.
But time marched on anyway, and in the back of my mind I knew I would have to take the test regardless.

So I made up my mind and took out my notes. I also had to get everything ready. In order to ensure an optimal studying experience with minimal interruptions, I had to make sure I had something to drink and nosh handy, as well as paper and pens in case I had to write anything. I then adjusted the air conditioner, turned on some soft classical background music, and brought the cordless phone so I wouldn't have to go running for unimportant phone calls. Then I had to replenish my drink and nosh.
Almost ready.

So I finally sat down to study, skimmed a few pages, highlighted some facts to memorize later. The information was swarming before my eyes; I feared I would never understand it all.
Studying is hard work.
I needed a break.
I mean, no one is perfect. If you do nothing but study, your brain will explode. Everyone needs a break to refresh themselves now and then. I'd be right back.

Well, it took a little longer than expected. You know, one thing led to a next... but I'm back, and now it's really time to hit the books.

I breezed through a couple of chapters that I was kind of familiar with, then I came across one real stumper. I read a couple of paragraphs, but it just wasn't working.
Oh well, I guess I'll just skip Unit 4, then.
Come on, they can't really expect you to know the whole entire book, can they?

By about 5AM, I was completely exhausted. I felt like I just couldn't keep my eyes open another second! But, knowing that the final would begin in just a few hours no matter how prepared I would (or wouldn't) be, I pushed ahead and studied for all I was worth.
Don't know why I bothered. At that hour, it was taking three times as long as it should have and there were times when I was sure my eyes were fooling me...
But I just had to do whatever I could.

Because ready or not, it was time for the final.

Might sound like a cute anecdote, typical 10th-grade style. However, I urge you to think of the Final Exam which we will each face after 120 years, iy"H. Each part of this little essay corresponds to a common tactic of the yetser hara (evil inclination) who tries to distract us from our true task. What will we answer when the Examiner asks what we did when we should have been preparing? "I spent my nights blogging... some were very interesting, you know..."

Long time no see

It's been way, way too long.
I could tell you all the excuses
but you know me too intimately for that.
The truth hurts
but it's all there is.
I got busy
put you on hold
meant to come back
you know how it is...
I'm sorry
I didn't take the time to listen to you
didn't tend to your needs
figured you'd still be there
same as always
when I'd have time.
But I didn't.
And you weren't.
And I went on
without you.
I didn't mean
to drift away.
But drift I did
without you,
my best friend,
to guide me.

Then one day
sounding faraway
as if through a mist
and down a long tunnel
I heard your voice
My heart leapt
With a pang
as I realized
I barely recognize you anymore.

But now, I promise
I'm listening
We'll catch up on old times
And this time
We won't just keep in touch
because I'll never let go of you
again.

It's been way, way too long.
Oh, Neshamale
(Dear Soul),
how I've missed you!

A Stormy Day (Part 2 of 2)

Continued from previous post --
please see below for the beginning of the story.

Heading for shore at a steady clip, Jacob hunkered down in the face of the biting winds. Waves now slapped noisily at the sides of his boat, nudging it from side to side like a fast-paced amusement park ride. He took down a sail and struggled to steady his craft as it was tossed about on the frothy water. Sandy debris hit his face and stung his eyes, but he couldn't close them for a second. Finally, when things seemed steady for a moment, the exhausted sailor ducked beneath deck to catch his breath. It wasn't much of a reprieve, for he knew that the ship could not remain without its captain for long.

Shifra was teaching with full force when the notes started to fly. Unperturbed, she decided to continue, until the whispering started. Though she tried to keep her hand firmly on the controls, it wasn't long before the children were getting on each other's nerves, not to mention her own. Here a child out of her seat, there a voice calling out: someone's copying my paper, she pulled my hair. Shifra found herself offering punishments and rewards at a frantic pace, snapping at the children she used to care for so tenderly. Unable to bear the chaos any longer, she gave them all seatwork and left them for a moment. Standing outside the classroom, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and counted slowly to twenty. Her hands clenched in tension and every nerve in her brain was screaming, but she knew she couldn't leave her children unattended for a second longer.

Jacob couldn't remember how he'd made it this far; every muscle in his body had been thrown into survival mode for the last few hours, bypassing his conscious entirely. Awareness first washed over him when the docks pulled into view. The water was calmer here; though the sky was dark and the sea frothy, Jacob felt as though he'd left the sounds and fears of the open sea far behind. His adrenaline rush slowed, and he suddenly felt all the day's exhaustion coming at him full force. After the high activity of the morning, it was ridiculous for those last few minutes to be so difficult, yet Jacob had to muster every hidden store of energy he didn't have just to maneuver his vessel up to the dock. Ready to collapse with relief, he tied fast his boat just as the first raindrops began to fall.

The afternoon seemed like a blur to Shifra. Even with all her tricks, she never quite succeeded in recapturing her unruly class, but after putting her brain on autopilot she at least managed to keep herself forging on. Finally, an irresistable peek at the clock which had been moving unbearably slowly all day revealed that there were only fifteen minutes left until dismissal. She almost couldn't believe it; it had seemed she'd never make it this far. Sure, her head was pounding and her ears would probably never be the same, but at last this ordeal was almost over -- and she'd survived. Yet for some reason, it took every last ounce of her energy just to stay upright during those final minutes. After the children had burst from the room, Shifra was left to force her hands to keep packing away her things. She was conscious of every step on the way home, as her own feet didn't seem to be cooperating today. In a daze, she turned her key and fell through the doorway just as the first tears began to fall.